Recently I've been doing the things I am afraid of doing. The big, scary things that I have procrastinated on for the better part of my life. I have a whole list I wanted to pursue for a long time but never did.
These things on my list are not scary in the way a horror-movie might scare you. I am afraid of them because I am afraid that it might be too hard. That I might fail. That I might hit the realization that I am not good at them and maybe never will be.
But I'm trying to ignore this and do the thing, whatever it is. It started earlier this year when I finally set down and created a plan to learn Japanese. Learning Japanese scared me because it is hard, and I was afraid of not being good. I am not good at it, but I'm getting better. Slowly. Very slowly.
I have signed up, mainly because my girlfriend wanted to too, for diving-lessons. I am afraid of ocean-depths. Thalassophobia is real. But I hope by learning how to dive, how to breathe underwater with oxygen-bottles, how to react when something is off, I'll suffer less from it. I am also not the best swimmer. I have never been. That's the "it's too hard, I'm not good at it "-part.
I see a personal trainer twice a week. For a long time, exercising was something I did not want to do. Too hard, too sweaty, takes too much time, I feel like shit afterwards. I still feel like shit. Everything hurts. But the cocktails of chemicals that your body releases during and after a workout session are potent drugs.
Next, I want to take dance lessons. Do more public content creation. Learn more about physics and maths even though I completely suck at them. Do long multi-day-walks on my own. Maybe launch a company.
I can say that I have always tried not to opt for the easy route, even though life has been very fair to me, primarily due to my circumstances.1 But neither have I opted for the hard path.
If life were a video game, I would have played it on medium. But I feel like I'm missing out. As if the cool cutscenes are locked behind the hard difficulty mode. I don't get a New Game+. So, I'm upping the difficulty during this playthrough.
It'll be hard. But that's the point — time to embrace the suck. And oh, will it suck.
White, cis-gendered, straight, from a middle-class family, born into a rich country. ↩