My ultimate morning routine

Morning routines. We all have them. Some are great, others are shit. There are a ton of articles about them. Or YouTube videos. Or podcast episodes. So you probably won't mind when I throw one additional piece of content into the mix.

I, of course, also have a morning routine. And I optimised the shit out of it. I consumed a lot before coming up with this particular routine. I read books like "My Morning Routine", " Night School", "When", "Deep Work", "Thinking, Fast and Slow", "Tools of Titans", "Daily Rituals" and many more. Right now I'm reading "Why we sleep". To optimise it even further.

But enough of my research. Let's talk about the real deal. That's why you here, after all. I think. Maybe someone sent you this, and you don't know me. Might be. Could be. Don't care.

Without further ado! My perfectly optimised, ultimate morning routine, that rocks, and is way better than yours:

  1. During the week, I wake up before 6 am. From Monday till Friday. I need an alarm to wake up. I don't wake up on my own. I can't.
  2. I go to the bathroom. I take a leak. Sometimes a dump. I struggle to brush my teeth. I wash my face. I own some products for it because otherwise, I look like a fucking teenager right after puberty hit. I sometimes still look like a fucking teenager right after puberty hit. I also shower.
  3. I get dressed. It's illegal to go out naked. I also don't want to go out naked. Who the fuck wants to go out naked? Weirdo! Not that I'm judging.1
  4. I eat. Mostly some sort of oatmeal or fruit or some other healthy shit. Not because it's good for me, but because I'm vegan and I don't like sweets. So my choice is limited. I also don't drink coffee at home in the mornings because it just takes way too long. I grind by hand, and I prepare by hand. Ain't nobody got time for that in the mornings. And I will never ever give money to Senseo or Nespresso. I prefer not drinking coffee to... that.
  5. My dog gets on my nerves, so I go for a walk. After all, she needs to take a dump too, right?
  6. After I get back, I spray, delay, walk away. Yes, I do that. Yes, I feel fabulous every time.
  7. I pick my stuff, get in my car and drive to work.
  8. I try not to die while driving.

This is my routine during the week. It is nearly perfect. My morning routine during the weekend is even better. Here it is. The even better, perfectly optimised, ultimate morning routine, that rocks, and is way better than yours:

  1. I wake up whenever the fuck I want. At 10 am. Great. Sometimes at 3 pm. Awesome. At 8 am? Nope. Never happened.
  2. It's not the morning anymore, so I'm done with my morning routine. Fuck morning routines. I'm a fucking night owl; I struggle to wake up in the mornings. I'm a train wreck every time I do so. I hate waking up early. Even with 9 hours of sleep, I struggle to wake up early. But I have to. So I'm miserable. Every time.

Frankly, I don't care about your morning routine. Or morning routines in general. I don't care if it's Steve Jobs', Elon Musk's, Tim Ferris', Benjamin Franklins', Oprah's or Bill Gates' morning routine. Or your mother's. Or your neighbour's cousin's dog-sitter's routine.

If there is something I learned after reading all these books, it's that I am not a morning person. At all. Chronotypes and that shit. I tried a lot of things. Never worked. Then I stopped trying. I feel way better now.

So. If you have a morning routine that works for you, great! I don't envy you. Mine is shit.2 I stopped looking for one. In the end, my mornings are all about surviving.

Night routines, however? Now we're talking!

  1. Yes I am!

  2. If you haven't guessed it yet, I was lying at the beginning of this blog post.